The new Dentyne Pure Mint with Melon Accents claims to purify your breath by neutralizing bad breath odors. The packaging even invites chewers to “join the safe breath alliance” and “practice safe breath.” Dentyne, I’m right there with you. Chronic halitosis is a major problem, and I’ve encountered more than enough in my day.

I think the worst was back in the early 1990s when I was working at Montgomery Ward on Electric Avenue, otherwise known as the small electronics department. It was one of four or five part-time jobs I had while in college. Looking back, it was a ridiculously easy job for a student—reasonable hours, 25% discount off everything in the store, 7 minutes from home, regular breaks to study, and not a very busy store—but I was wildly immature and didn’t realize the good thing I had going. I frequently was reprimanded for little things here and there—wearing socks instead of nylons (yes, this was the early 1990s), being a little more than a few minutes late, not answering the phone with a smile in my voice.

The problem wasn’t just me; it was that I worked with Dennis,* a nice man in his late 40s who had undoubtedly the worst breath I have ever smelled. It really could knock you out, and you could smell him from three feet away. Admittedly, Dennis had not taken care of his teeth, and they were pretty much rotting in his mouth; hence, the smell. To add insult to injury, Dennis smoked More cigarettes, the long brown smokes that my stepdad refers to as “shit sticks.” This unfortunate habit of Dennis’ did absolutely nothing to help his breath problem. Dennis lived at the Tally Ho-tel up the street so that he could walk to work, and the first (and last) time I gave him a ride home after work, I had to drive with the windows down for a week to remove the smell of his breath. It truly was something out of Seinfeld. Don’t even get me started on how awful it was to use the phone in our department after Dennis.

One particular day, I was late for work and I had snapped at a customer. That was it—I was called into my manager’s office for a lecture. Instead of listening and admitting that I was wrong, I pulled a signature move of mine back in the day: I began to cry. The pressure of school was getting to me, I said, and working with Dennis and his bad breath was just more than I could handle that day.

“I’m 100% positive that my wearing socks would be much less offensive than Dennis’ breath!” I shouted at Chris, who promised he would do something. Somehow, my absurd behavior had worked; I was in the clear.

Oh, how wrong I was. During my next shift, I noticed that Dennis had a different, more awful (if you can believe it) smell emitting from his mouth. Chris had bought Dennis a 24-pack of Breathsavers, which didn’t purify Dennis’ breath, as Dentyne Pure would do; the mints tried to mask it. But Dennis’ breath was too strong and too bad, and the mints didn’t stand a chance. It would be like spraying air freshener at a landfill, so you get a hint of roses over mounds and mounds of decomposing trash; the smell equals sweet garbage. No thanks!

In addition, the customer I snapped at had called the corporate office of Monkey Ward to complain about me, and I was fired later that afternoon.

So tell me: What’s your worst interaction with halitosis?

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The Mastication Evaluation

• Flavor: 5/5 — it truly is a burst of minty melon that feels so fresh with each inhale; it’s absolutely amazing
• Scent: 0/5 — because this is a hard-shell piece of gum, it has no scent.
• Texture: 5/5 — despite being a hard-shell gum, it’s easy to bite into and soft to chew right away
• Taste Time: 5/5 — at 11 minutes, it still provided a cool freshness; at 23 minutes, it slowly started to wane; at 37 minutes, the flavor finally departed, sadly
• Long-Term Usage: 5/5 — super soft and nice to chew but not a floppy mess
• Overall: 4/5 — Amazing but no scent

Dentyne Pure is probably one of the most refined, upscale-looking packs of gum out there. I feel more professional just carrying it around with me.

Why yes, Dentyne, I think I would be happy to join your Safe Breath Alliance.

Nutritional information also is available on Dentyne’s website.